MYSELF NEUROTIC: DIAGNOSED BY A CUBAN LAWYER.

MYSELF NEUROTIC:  DIAGNOSED BY A CUBAN LAWYER.

 Finally, I have a diagnosis: Neurosis. Accurate and true evaluation made by a Cuban Law Degree, and nothing less than in Facebook.

  Let me tell you a little about my life - very short already - in the Uruguayan psychiatric institutions. First of all, a few days after I arrived in Uruguay, my old uncles took me to a very famous Supermarket.

  In my first rape of Mental Disorder, I noticed a glass box full of chickens. They were alive, feathered and chirping all the time. As I hadn't seen a chicken for years, in Cuba we were in the Special Period and my mother had to boil bananas with its skin and everything and pass them by a little windmill of meat. I eat some delicious spaghetti ,and that's what we ate at lunch and dinner, and we were happy and full of hope.

 Well, I saw clearly that the chickens were alive. I took one in my hands and looked for its head to twist it. But here they didn't have a head, but they kept chirping. Then, I wanted to pluck it but the feathers were absent. With the nails I try to gut it and I found a hole where a hand fell.

  A boy from the Super Market came forward thinking that something was wrong.

  -Sir. But what do you do with those chickens frozen and ready to roast? -I was speechless, If they were fat chickens, red in their fur as in Cuba, how was it that they were frozen?

  -Sir. Do you have a companion?-"The boy said imperiously.

  - Yes, of course, those are my uncles.

   The boy left and went to see the manager. It seems he spent several minutes explaining. A man in a white shirt and tie came out and went to my aunt and uncle and something, I don't know what, he spoke to them.

   My uncles took me out of the SUPER and immediately took me to a psychiatrist. They talked a lot with him. This Doctor took me to his office and told me:

 -You are a bearer of a hebephrenic schizophrenic with Birdish evolution. That is to see live chickens where they are frozen.

 -But I saw them alive and kicking, as they weres in Cuba before!... - I said emphatically.

 -It's okay. They are very frequent hallucinations when chicken is missing from your diet. Here you see many cases in the mountains areas where only sheep meat abounds.

  -But Doctor. Here in Uruguay there aren't mountains...-said my uncle. 

   -Ohh. I thought I was in Chile...

   My auth more practice asked:

  - And what is the treatment, Doctor?

  -Do not worry. Ergotherapy. We'll send him to a chicken farm for a while so he can see real life.

   And so they sent me to a chicken farm full of chickens of all sizes. I slept in a barn with the other workers who received me very well until they discovered that the broiler chickens disappeared, large, vitaminized, hormonieds and antibioticotired ones. They investigated. At the end they discovered that I twisted the necks, plucked them, gutted them and ate them raw, at the rate of two chickens a day.

  They called the authorities and took me to the doctor who admitted me to a very special clinic for totally crazy patients.There, after 6 Electro Convulsive treatments and about 7 tablets a day, they left me calm and happy, like a Zombie. Until I was discharged with the pill.

  The next year I started drinking. The whole day drunk. My uncles, who were already half old but had made a small fortune in the country, interned me in a Geriatric House, although I was still young. Elders everywhere and heavy nurses everywhere.

  There I discovered an elderly woman about 94 years old whom the doctor of the establishment had authorized to give her to drink half a glass of Chivas-Regal Whiskey -yes, the same one who drank our ashed commander-in-chief in Cuba.

 "Well, I said to myself: if the old woman drinks, everyone here has the right to a glass of the same whiskey every night"  And I began talking with all the elders who were very happy about the initiative and asked for it.

   But the Doctor was denied. Then, as they did before in Cuba when It was a free country, I organized a general strike.

  "Either you give us the drink or we don't pay the monthly payment to the old warehouse that we were"

 The Director and the doctor when seeing the fierce resistance of us relaxed and promised us a glass of Whiskey but not the one mentioned above, but the Johnny Walker. And we were glad. We slept early but happy.But the joy lasts little.

  After two months, the Geriatric House declared bankruptcy and closed. All the old people had to go to another similar place, cheaper, but that included drink at night. They expelled me from all similar institutions. I was on the blacklist for troublemaker.

  I started working very easily. I associated myself with the President of the country and together we began a research of cientific kind work on the effect of ozone on his cancerus patients.

  But in the game, as I was forbidden to eat chicken, my uncles bought me Fish, which is a very expensive delicacy in this country. I ate fish for breakfast, lunch and  and dinner. Until I somaticed so much fish that in the skin began to flake and I scratched all the time on the walls, in the sheets, but the worst were in my ass. Gentlemen, that was a torture, the toilet paper corroded as if my c ... were of sandpaper!

   My uncles, may God have them in Glory, took me back to the psychiatrist. They talked to him and I had to show him the scales.

  - It's a rare case of Fishishig Schizophrenia. Take these powders that are to feed fish in the nurseries and you will see how the scales disappear.

  So it was. After three months I was free of scales on my body. But the fish was suspended in my diet, to the relief of my aunt and uncle's pocket.

  Currently I developed HYBRIS.O HUBRYS SYNDROME that we use to refer to a "paranoid" disorder, characterizing itself as a disorder that generates an excessive ego, an exaggerated personal approach, the appearance of eccentricities and contempt for the opinions of others.Very similar to the dictator Fidel Castro, his brother Raul and more recently, attacked Mariela Castro, but listen to her press conferences and statements to the people and abroad. Also the Kicnher, Maduro and Daniel Ortega, and by myself.

  Another entry in Mental Health surrounded by drug addicts in rehab and madmen and they took me as head for my age and experience. I was giving speeches of what I tell you in Cuba "Well you'Il would go to the village with communism", during  20 hours a day.

   Already the other crazy people couldn't stand me and they drugged themselves in secret from the nurses. Unbalanced 3 shrinks who started smoking Marjuanas and a hysterical girl, who had a bad spirit incarnate, I told her to go with a bishop and made her an exorcism. That was the lid that broke the knob. I was expelled from there after 17 electro chocks and a ton of medications.

  Now I am in the cult of Hare Krishna where I only have to chant the mantra 3 times a day:

  OOOOOOMMMM and acquire the position of Lotus.

   I have found the love towards myself and universal. They don't drink, they don't have sex, only some designated by the chief guru, which of course he does have it with any cult girl.

  But the only Lawyer woman that truly diagnosed me was the one mentioned at the beginning of this article: Neurosis or Neurotic Syndrome, the only one that, without being a psychiatrist or psychoanalyst, placed the label on me. For which I am eternally grateful. 

  At last I can go to the grave in peace, because the Neurosis, well diagnosed as the lawyer did, leads to suicide or murder.

  I will tell my psychotherapist, I have 13 years of going to him weekly, that finally, after so many hospitalizations in Psychiatric Hospitals, I have my true diagnosis.

   Ahh. The meat so far hasn't been forbidden to me, although my relatives keep an eye on me, lest I become a Cannibal.

   Finally I will tell you that the teddy bear that I hug in the photo I call CHUCHO and it is my spiritual support. I carry it with me everywhere and sleep at my side. I will not give it to my granddaughter, I would be left unprotected and the evil spirits lurk.

                 Orlando Vicente Álvarez