HUMOR EXEGESIS: MOSES: THE GREAT LEADER OF THE HEBREW PEOPLE. .

  HUMOR EXEGESIS:   MOSES: THE GREAT LEADER OF THE HEBREWS PEOPLE

    Fragment of the Novel: THE GODS ALSO LAUGH.

       OF ORLANDO VICENTE ÁLVAREZ

   One day Moses was walking his sheep through the mountain of God - He had various properties scattered throughout the earth - which is called Horeb. The Angel of the Lord appeared in the form of fire in a bush. As Moses had been taught by the Egyptians about forest conservation and indiscriminate burning for pasture and planting vineyards, he cautiously approached the fire and to his surprise saw that the tree was not consumed.

  -What a strange thing, I'll see what happens- said Moses.

   Suddenly he heard a Hebrew voice shouting from the burning tree:

    -Moses! Moses!

   - Here I am- he said unsheathing his sword just in case.

   - Do not go near and take off your flip flops because the place is sacred and is registered in my properties.-and He added:

   -I am the God of your ancestors.

  -Which? Do you bind Ra or Tutankhamun?

    - Do not blaspheme. The God of Abran, of Isaac and Jacob.

   Moses could not remember a single bit of those ancestors.

   _ But who were they?

  _ To those I made a promise centuries ago to protect them and their offspring were like the sands of a beach or like the stars.

   _ I do not believe you. Give me a test.

   And suddenly the flame consumed the tree to the roots and there was a very big explosion.

   -- Good. My partner is fine, if you say so, "said Moses cautiously, seeing that among all the gods that were roaming Egypt at that time he had found one with the balls  well placed.

  -And now we have to free the Hebrew people from the claws of Pharaoh. If he does not want we will send pests until he loosens.

  But Moses had dyslexia or Digraphias, so it was short of words. Instead of saying God, Dius said and instead of Pharaoh, said Faraun, and said to God:

  - Sir, I am not easy of words and I get tangled when speaking.

  - No matter. Take Aaron with you and he will be your translator.

  - When there were no priests or anything like that among the Hebrew people, with cassocks and hoods as they came later.

-Take the stick you hold in your hand and throw it on the ground.

   Moses did so and saw in horror that the rod became a serpent and took three steps back.

  - Now take the serpent by the tail. Do not worry.

  And Moses took the snake by the tail and it bit his leg.

   -I'm going to die now Because of you, God.

   - It's not my fault. It is your lack of faith.

  And Moses took the reptile by the tail and this again became a rod.

.- Now put your hand inside your chest.

   -But if I walk without shirt only this skirt folded over my waist and bare chest.

   - Then put it under the skirt.

   -You're asking me a lot. And if out of my hand comes a scorpion that stings me the member that is most valuable to a Hebrew.

   - Have faith, son.

   And Moses put his hand in what have told God and when he pulled it out, it was full of crabs that itched everywhere. And he jumped and jumped from pain and burning from the bites.

   -God. You are not as powerful as you preach. Now how do I get rid of the crabs?

  - Put your hand back in your crotch.

  And Moses did what God told him to do and his hand came out clean and the itching disappeared.

  -You really are a God who has great balls.

   "And now go to the Hebrews, and if they do not believe you, offer them the proofs that I have offered you. Do not worry. I will be with you, supporting you.

  - Oh, Lord, I do not have the facility of words, my tongue gets stuck and I can not speak-.Moses had a Dyslexia or Dysgraphia from when the Egyptian priest teacher taught him to spell the word "small boat" he did it wrong. That seems to be due to a childhood trauma when his mother left him down with crocodiles and hippopotamuses before the princess protected him.

  At this God was angry-God had very human feelings when that-and said:- And who has given the man's mouth? Who gives the voice to the dumb, seeing the blind and dancing to the zambos?

  - Of course you, Sir. - and added - But what is your real name?

   -I AM THE ONE I AM- God said with a thundering voice and the earth shook

    Nobody through the centuries has managed to interpret that name of God "I am who I am" Exegetes, hermeneuts, ontologists, scholars of the holy writings, philologists and thousands of charlatans, starting with Origen, Pedro Lombardo (m 1164) , Santo Tomas, San Agustín, etc. And others, they have tried negatively - the evangelists translate this name for "LORD" so they do not have to get involved in the mess.

  But what a way to call himself a God who respects himself instead Crogman, Desametón or The Lord of thunder and clouds, names so powerful that at least to pronounce it trembles.The tetragrammaton use the consonants- in ancient Hebrew the vowels were not used or the divine name was a sin to pronounce it- they called it YAVEH or JEHOBAH or ADONAI and ELOIN -to sow more confusion in the following centuries, as if a name were so important and not the faith to a God. But no, that served to divide the Hebrews and the Christians was the end: a simple name made to divide the Christianity into multiple sects and denominations, meanwhile I AM THAT I AM looked with mockery the wars that by their name would be approached in the future. 

HUMOR EXEGESIS: MOSES, THE DECALOGUE AND THE GOLDEN CALFS

 HUMOR EXEGESIS:  MOSES, THE DECALOGUE AND THE GOLDEN CALFS.

  TO THE YOUNG PEOPLE WHO WEIGH ALL THE DAY STICK TO THE CELLULAR AND TO THE VIDEOS GAMES.

  First I will make a statement: the Pentateuch seems to me one of the most beautiful and instructive passages of the old testament about the first steps of formation of a holy people.

   After so much exegesis and expert explanations I will write it with humor bordering on the absurd. So today's young people who do not read the Bible may be encouraged to read the truth inspired or written by God himself.

  The Lord is like a hunger with which we are born and we will not satisfy until we find the only God. Despite the 66 religious denominations inspired by the same bible, perhaps the Most High wanted it to be like that. Except for a few closed sects that see it as a treaty of punishment and a God of war and curses with a final hecatomb where only they, the chosen ones, will be saved.

  Well, there goes MOSES, the first constitution of a rebellious and lawless town that needed a strong hand to walk the hard desert road to the promised land-any resemblance to the Cuban people is not pure chance-that God had promised to his ancestors.

   Taken from my novel "THE GODS ALSO RIEN"

   And Moses went to Mount Sinai to be with God - no one else could go, he was swallowed by fire - and he dwelt beside the cloud for forty days and forty nights, without feeding or drinking water.

  Meanwhile the Hebrews became impatient - they could not be without a spiritual guide for more than twenty days - and they said to Aaron: make us a golden calf  whom we can worship. And they insisted so much that the latter collected the gold earrings of all the women - it only allowed the beautiful beans that parade through the red carpet tiaras of diamonds and platinum that are worth fortunes, this way it continues fulfilling the tradition - and melted a beautiful Golden calf and the people of Israel rejoiced and there the party was armed with dances and chants.

  Moses finally came down from the mountain with some clay tablets where God had dictated the ten commandments but as Moses also wrote badly-Dysgraph- the forty days and forty nights had to elapse to write it down. Instead of writing "You will not kill ..." he wrote:"Do not kill unless the individual is of another religion""

  "And do not invoke my name in vain unless it is to reaffirm a lie or a covenant""

  Keep the Sabbath except the impubile girls"

  "Do not adore images or totems except the two golden cherubs that will put me in an ark of the alliance"

 And so on…God had to correct it until the decalogue was complete.

  Moses under the mountain of the most proud. At last he brought laws for the people as a magistrate. Of course, in the Egyptian court he had been taught about Civil Rights and Human Rights - the latter became a world organization in 1948 that talked and condemned a lot but did not solve anything.The Hebrew people were the first to have a kind of old-fashioned constitution but constitution at last.

  Moses finally came down from the mountain with clay tablets where God had dictated the ten commandments. Moses under the mountain of the most proud. At last he brought laws for the people as a magistrate.

  The first thing he did was sit down to rest and in this scene Michelangelo based himself to sculpt his statue of Moses angered when he saw what the people were doing. I read the psychoanalytic analysis that Sigmund Freud makes of the situation when I was a teenager but now that the years have brought me more wisdom I do a more acute one.

  Moses sat down and the first thing he saw was the orgy that the Hebrews were doing against the golden calf. And since he was a man, he first got angry but then the beard grew and grew, long and thick- Michelangelo had a teacher like that in his adolescence- and concupiscence filled his entire body- symbolized by the two little horns that came out of him OF his mind - and broke the clay tablets that God had dictated - were small plates for the compendium of laws and restrictions that Moses thought he had heard from the Most High but the Hebrews wrote from right to left and without vowels - that's why the tables of Clay seemed so small compared to the patriarch's body.

  Moses joined the dance and was stripped naked before the whole world exhibiting his weaponry that was worthy of Michelangelo's fantasies.

  Suddenly, from Mount Sinai there was a roar, the earth trembled and a river of lava came down the slopes.Then Moses remembered the covenant with God and regretted what he was doing or that he came to himself. And he calls Aaron to give account of all that relaxation- first he dressed because he was naked, his behavior very human.

  -This town is going to end my patience. God will send you plagues and plague.

  The people went from the joy to the astonishment for the sin they had committed. Moses grabbed the people went from the JOY to the astonishment for the sin they had committed.

   Moses grabbed the golden sphinx and melted it into fire.

   Moses went to Mount Sinai crestfallen but serene. Lightning and thunder swarmed around him, a stream of lava was scattered at his feet saying how annoyed and angry was YAHVEH.

  -Forgive this sinful people you chose among so many peoples of humanity and remember the covenant you made with Abram, Jacob and Isaac -said God.- I'm going to destroy that disobedient town that only expects a chanche to contradict me. And you for undressing in public. You do not know that I do not like to see the intimate parts of man ... But you do not stay behind. I thought you were my Holy Man and here you break the clay boards and join the orgy

  .-I know, my Lord. But remember that I am a man and that the flesh is weak. I am already 80 years old and seeing so many naked girls made me enter a youthful fire inside and I could not resist. And so it happened.

 .-But with everything I've taught you. With everything you've seen of me power, how do you fall into those things of a young man?

  -Excuse my Lord, but I must remind you that you made a paradise with a couple-male and female-so that they will walk naked everywhere and put sex to each one so that they can be coupled. Meanwhile they gave names to birds and animals until they mounted a white horse bareback. Then the two bodies so close felt a strange heat that filled their entire bodies. And Adam pointed to Eve who leaped forward and it was very sweet what they felt- and continued- So that is the most divine thing that you have created in all your creation even if it is to rejuvenate the species. And I am still a man subject to temptation.
 The next time you see me in that, fulminate me, with one of your rays.

  God was silent for a moment, then said:

  :-And where did all those boobies teach you? The Egyptian priests?

  - No. My lord. Simple logical deduction and Hermeneutics.

  - Which?

  - It is the study of the sacred texts, as they will do with yours from here to several centuries. A tremendous joke, Lord, tremendous will be made by the scholars, theologians, exegetes, etc.-and continued with his harangue:-Let me add something, my Lord-said Moses bravely."When you created the story of Paradise, of the apple, of the first human couple, of the Serpent - why are snakes vilified in all of history? - or a talkative parrot that opened their eyes to reality, that story you invented for a people of magical thought who believed in any story in the heat of a bonfire and at the entrance of a cave. Later, after several generations and since there was no written language, as the Phoenicians do, history grew and grew, adapting to new political, economic and social situations and new types of weapons. And so it happened to our days when slaves in Egypt, with idolatry, sexual deviations and other degenerating things to the Hebrews, added the portentous history of the plagues so that the people would see that they had a powerful God that beat them everyone.

 "You made them leave Egypt with my guide and cross the Red Sea with pure power of yours. And now that we have become a people of many, you saw that we needed laws and commandments to get us into the waist, because in reality we are a holy people but we essentially have the same human nature as other peoples"


     Orlando Vicente Álvarez

MOISES: THE GREAT LEADER OF THE PEOPLE OF ISRAEL

MOSES: THE GREAT LEADER OF THE PEOPLE OF ISRAEL.

    Fragment of the Novel: THE GODS ALSO LAUGH.

       OF ORLANDO VICENTE ÁLVAREZ

   One day Moses was walking his sheep through the mountain of God - He had various properties scattered throughout the earth - which is called Horeb. The Angel of the Lord appeared in the form of fire in a bush. As Moses had been taught by the Egyptians about forest conservation and indiscriminate burning for pasture and planting vineyards, he cautiously approached the fire and to his surprise saw that the tree was not consumed.

  -What a strange thing, I'll see what happens- said Moses.

   Suddenly he heard a Hebrew voice shouting from the burning tree:

    -Moses! Moses!

   - Here I am- he said unsheathing his sword just in case.

   - Do not go near and take off your flip flops because the place is sacred and is registered in my properties.-and He added:

   -I am the God of your ancestors.

  -Which? Do you bind Ra or Tutankhamun?

    - Do not blaspheme. The God of Abran, of Isaac and Jacob.

   Moses could not remember a single bit of those ancestors.

   _ But who were they?

  _ To those I made a promise centuries ago to protect them and their offspring were like the sands of a beach or like the stars.

   _ I do not believe you. Give me a test.

   And suddenly the flame consumed the tree to the roots and there was a very big explosion.

   -- Good. My partner is fine, if you say so, "said Moses cautiously, seeing that among all the gods that were roaming Egypt at that time he had found one with the balls  well placed.

  -And now we have to free the Hebrew people from the claws of Pharaoh. If he does not want we will send pests until he loosens.

  But Moses had dyslexia or Digraphias, so it was short of words. Instead of saying God, Dius said and instead of Pharaoh, said Faraun, and said to God:

  - Sir, I am not easy of words and I get tangled when speaking.

  - No matter. Take Aaron with you and he will be your translator.

  - When there were no priests or anything like that among the Hebrew people, with cassocks and hoods as they came later.

-Take the stick you hold in your hand and throw it on the ground.

   Moses did so and saw in horror that the rod became a serpent and took three steps back.

  - Now take the serpent by the tail. Do not worry.

  And Moses took the snake by the tail and it bit his leg.

   -I'm going to die now Because of you, God.

   - It's not my fault. It is your lack of faith.

  And Moses took the reptile by the tail and this again became a rod.

.- Now put your hand inside your chest.

   -But if I walk without shirt only this skirt folded over my waist and bare chest.

   - Then put it under the skirt.

   -You're asking me a lot. And if out of my hand comes a scorpion that stings me the member that is most valuable to a Hebrew.

   - Have faith, son.

   And Moses put his hand in what have told God and when he pulled it out, it was full of crabs that itched everywhere. And he jumped and jumped from pain and burning from the bites.

   -God. You are not as powerful as you preach. Now how do I get rid of the crabs?

  - Put your hand back in your crotch.

  And Moses did what God told him to do and his hand came out clean and the itching disappeared.

  -You really are a God who has great balls.

   "And now go to the Hebrews, and if they do not believe you, offer them the proofs that I have offered you. Do not worry. I will be with you, supporting you.

  - Oh, Lord, I do not have the facility of words, my tongue gets stuck and I can not speak-.Moses had a Dyslexia or Dysgraphia from when the Egyptian priest teacher taught him to spell the word "small boat" he did it wrong. That seems to be due to a childhood trauma when his mother left him down with crocodiles and hippopotamuses before the princess protected him.

  At this God was angry-God had very human feelings when that-and said:- And who has given the man's mouth? Who gives the voice to the dumb, seeing the blind and dancing to the zambos?

  - Of course you, Sir. - and added - But what is your real name?

   -I AM THE ONE I AM- God said with a thundering voice and the earth shook

    Nobody through the centuries has managed to interpret that name of God "I am who I am" Exegetes, hermeneuts, ontologists, scholars of the holy writings, philologists and thousands of charlatans, starting with Origen, Pedro Lombardo (m 1164) , Santo Tomas, San Agustín, etc. And others, they have tried negatively - the evangelists translate this name for "LORD" so they do not have to get involved in the mess.

  But what a way to call himself a God who respects himself instead Crogman, Desametón or The Lord of thunder and clouds, names so powerful that at least to pronounce it trembles.The tetragrammaton use the consonants- in ancient Hebrew the vowels were not used or the divine name was a sin to pronounce it- they called it YAVEH or JEHOBAH or ADONAI and ELOIN -to sow more confusion in the following centuries, as if a name were so important and not the faith to a God. But no, that served to divide the Hebrews and the Christians was the end: a simple name made to divide the Christianity into multiple sects and denominations, meanwhile I AM THAT I AM looked with mockery the wars that by their name would be approached in the future. 

  To read more buy the e- book on Amazon or lower it $ 1.99 or buy the book itself on KDPAmazon.

  Or wait for me to publish on my blog other humorous scenes inspired by the Pentateuch, because Yahweh is also a God of joy and good humor and the Holy Scriptures do not have to be taken literally, but inspired by God-Jesus Christ, that has given us comfort in the face of the hardships of this world. Dr. Orlando Vicente Álvarez