HUMOR EXEGESIS: MOSES: THE GREAT LEADER OF THE HEBREW PEOPLE. .

  HUMOR EXEGESIS:   MOSES: THE GREAT LEADER OF THE HEBREWS PEOPLE

    Fragment of the Novel: THE GODS ALSO LAUGH.

       OF ORLANDO VICENTE ÁLVAREZ

   One day Moses was walking his sheep through the mountain of God - He had various properties scattered throughout the earth - which is called Horeb. The Angel of the Lord appeared in the form of fire in a bush. As Moses had been taught by the Egyptians about forest conservation and indiscriminate burning for pasture and planting vineyards, he cautiously approached the fire and to his surprise saw that the tree was not consumed.

  -What a strange thing, I'll see what happens- said Moses.

   Suddenly he heard a Hebrew voice shouting from the burning tree:

    -Moses! Moses!

   - Here I am- he said unsheathing his sword just in case.

   - Do not go near and take off your flip flops because the place is sacred and is registered in my properties.-and He added:

   -I am the God of your ancestors.

  -Which? Do you bind Ra or Tutankhamun?

    - Do not blaspheme. The God of Abran, of Isaac and Jacob.

   Moses could not remember a single bit of those ancestors.

   _ But who were they?

  _ To those I made a promise centuries ago to protect them and their offspring were like the sands of a beach or like the stars.

   _ I do not believe you. Give me a test.

   And suddenly the flame consumed the tree to the roots and there was a very big explosion.

   -- Good. My partner is fine, if you say so, "said Moses cautiously, seeing that among all the gods that were roaming Egypt at that time he had found one with the balls  well placed.

  -And now we have to free the Hebrew people from the claws of Pharaoh. If he does not want we will send pests until he loosens.

  But Moses had dyslexia or Digraphias, so it was short of words. Instead of saying God, Dius said and instead of Pharaoh, said Faraun, and said to God:

  - Sir, I am not easy of words and I get tangled when speaking.

  - No matter. Take Aaron with you and he will be your translator.

  - When there were no priests or anything like that among the Hebrew people, with cassocks and hoods as they came later.

-Take the stick you hold in your hand and throw it on the ground.

   Moses did so and saw in horror that the rod became a serpent and took three steps back.

  - Now take the serpent by the tail. Do not worry.

  And Moses took the snake by the tail and it bit his leg.

   -I'm going to die now Because of you, God.

   - It's not my fault. It is your lack of faith.

  And Moses took the reptile by the tail and this again became a rod.

.- Now put your hand inside your chest.

   -But if I walk without shirt only this skirt folded over my waist and bare chest.

   - Then put it under the skirt.

   -You're asking me a lot. And if out of my hand comes a scorpion that stings me the member that is most valuable to a Hebrew.

   - Have faith, son.

   And Moses put his hand in what have told God and when he pulled it out, it was full of crabs that itched everywhere. And he jumped and jumped from pain and burning from the bites.

   -God. You are not as powerful as you preach. Now how do I get rid of the crabs?

  - Put your hand back in your crotch.

  And Moses did what God told him to do and his hand came out clean and the itching disappeared.

  -You really are a God who has great balls.

   "And now go to the Hebrews, and if they do not believe you, offer them the proofs that I have offered you. Do not worry. I will be with you, supporting you.

  - Oh, Lord, I do not have the facility of words, my tongue gets stuck and I can not speak-.Moses had a Dyslexia or Dysgraphia from when the Egyptian priest teacher taught him to spell the word "small boat" he did it wrong. That seems to be due to a childhood trauma when his mother left him down with crocodiles and hippopotamuses before the princess protected him.

  At this God was angry-God had very human feelings when that-and said:- And who has given the man's mouth? Who gives the voice to the dumb, seeing the blind and dancing to the zambos?

  - Of course you, Sir. - and added - But what is your real name?

   -I AM THE ONE I AM- God said with a thundering voice and the earth shook

    Nobody through the centuries has managed to interpret that name of God "I am who I am" Exegetes, hermeneuts, ontologists, scholars of the holy writings, philologists and thousands of charlatans, starting with Origen, Pedro Lombardo (m 1164) , Santo Tomas, San Agustín, etc. And others, they have tried negatively - the evangelists translate this name for "LORD" so they do not have to get involved in the mess.

  But what a way to call himself a God who respects himself instead Crogman, Desametón or The Lord of thunder and clouds, names so powerful that at least to pronounce it trembles.The tetragrammaton use the consonants- in ancient Hebrew the vowels were not used or the divine name was a sin to pronounce it- they called it YAVEH or JEHOBAH or ADONAI and ELOIN -to sow more confusion in the following centuries, as if a name were so important and not the faith to a God. But no, that served to divide the Hebrews and the Christians was the end: a simple name made to divide the Christianity into multiple sects and denominations, meanwhile I AM THAT I AM looked with mockery the wars that by their name would be approached in the future.