WITH THE ROPE TO THE NECK? DO NOT GO TO PSYCHIATRIST.

WITH THE ROPE TO THE NECK? DO NOT GO TO PSYCHIATRIST.

  Once in consultation came a patient who showed me a paper to present in aid offices to the needy government of the day

  .-And what is this saying here? I do not understand. It was written to me by the psychiatrist who takes care of me, "he said in a broken voice" I took the sheet in my hands and read it:

  "Diogenes Syndrome mixed with Narcissus Syndrome Type II"I was thoughtful for a moment and I said:

  - Better go to a Psychoanalyst who knows a lot about Hermeneutics and Exegesis, that they know more than a psychiatrist about this disease.

   -And what is that Doctor?

  -It is about the study and decryption of ancient writers, especially the Holy Scriptures, the Bible.

  - And what do I have to do with that, Doctor? I am a calm man, I worked all my life and now that years have lifted me with a heavy burden. I come with this?

   -Ahh The psychiatrists, the psychiatrists! Go with the psychoanalyst, please, they are the best connoisseurs of mental illness. And they do not prescribe as many medications as psychiatrists that produce side effects and then more drugs come to counteract these. In the end, you are worse off than when you first came.-and continued after a pause----
  -the problem with psychoanalysts is that they take their time to diagnose it-7 or 10 years, it depends on your pocket. And also, they fall asleep at times during the consultation and from time to time they wake up to say: "continue please, continue, we are already moving forward a lot" - and after another pause- "on purpose: what time is it?""

   "But only 40 minutes have passed, Doctor!"

  I answered.And the psychoanalyst tells him with the greatest patience:-It does not matter the time if it is well taken advantage of. Until next week ... Ahh. Do not forget your credit card. A week ago my fees are not paid by you.

  -Ahh. Yes. That the psychiatrist diagnosed a metal disease that I already know.

  -YES. It seems like Doctor. But I was struck by the fact that only once, a year and a half ago, he saw me personally in his office. Then he sent his secretary to repeat the medication, like that, without more or more.

  -And why did not you complain?

  -I did not want to bother, Doctor. They work a lot because this world is getting worse: people suffering everywhere.

  - But you say here on paper you have a mental illness ...

  - What a mental illness, or mental illness! I just went to see a psychiatrist.

  The man left the office with short steps as if life itself had been shattered.

  It was not like thousands of years ago when mental illness was treated by the sorcerer or the spiritist of the village. Or if not, they stoned the individual as possessed by some evil spirit and ended with evil. Or they stoned him, hanged him, exiled him or another form of torture.

  "Then, with time, the priests arrived who, with confession, penance, repentance and praying as 28 Hail Mary and 40 Our Father, tried to cure the sick. If this did not work then they called an experience exorcist and all the demons-there were all sorts of evil spirits that tormented the sufferer's psyche, and holy remedy"

"If they were not expelled, they locked him in a special convent with a closed cell and kept him in bread and water, until they died, thus ending the root disease"

  "I saw a documentary of the black AFRICA where a sorcerer crossed in a language of his ancestors a young man, prostrate in a palm branch in the open air, to cure him of an Acute Appendicitis. Then he gave him a very old potion to drink. The young man would stand or die - the evil spirit had triumphed - but in this case the boy was cured of his ailment. It was a matter of faith and cultural tradition"

  "Then came Sigmund Freud who complicated everything with the revolution of psychoanalysis. And he went to Greek mythology-it had to be the Greeks because they were all crazy starting with Plato and his atomic theory"

  "From there arose several Syndromes that explained the complexity of the human soul: Diogenes, Oedipus, Electra-Jung-, Cronos, Ulysses. Even the Penelope Syndrome - yes, the wife of Ulises who waited for him like 20 years to be faithful, you can not see this kind of females - was mentioned in psychoanalysis"

 "But Freud did not stay calm. The human soul was so complex - and he made a pandemonium of it - then, it was not enough with so many Gods to name mental illnesses. No. He did not stay there.The Complex of Creso, that of Achilles, arose. And finally, not satisfied - the Greek Gods were running out - explained the Oedipus Complex that brought so many headaches to psychoanalysis - most of the specialists were already developing some of these Syndrome, that is, they went crazy and invented the Complex Sarah Bernard's famous actress  of the early twentieth century who mobilized crowds with their performances in the theater.

   Since it was not enough for those who had clearly explained the Doctor who revolutionized the approach to new mental illnesses, which had always existed but a man like him had to emerge to complicate things.Then came the Phobias:Ablutofobia: fear of water and washing hands-in colloquial language: the pig complex.

  Acluophobia: fear of darkness - especially applied to children who want to sleep with a candle lit or more modern, with an electric lamp. They are eliminated when the male reaches adolescence, has a girlfriend and looks for some dark place in the street to satisfy his imperious sexual need.

   The fear of darkness ceases.Agateofobia, dementofobia or maniaphobia: fear of madness or going crazy: as things are to that phobia we all sooner or later arrived especially the psychiatrists that some already have it.

  And so many Phobias that psychoanalysts and psychiatrists confused them all: one who feared the darkness called him Dark phobia, those who feared to bathe, suciofobia, and so on.

  But Freud's most controversial theory was why human beings developed attraction to the opposite sex. He called the man "fear of castration" and the woman "envy of the penis" Everything to overcome the Oedipus Complex in his childhood. I did not see that the human couple f... because yes, it is a natural and evolutionary instinct to preserve the species.

  That's why I say that Freud and Jung were already crazy when they wrote their treatises, especially Freud in "The Interpretation of Dreams" as a cartomancer that tells you what the dream means that it is usually going to break a lightning or fill your hands of money. Also in "Toten and Taboo" that I shot hidden in the University, and other studies that more than psychoanalysis or psychiatric seemed inspiration of a sensitive and observant artist.

  The cinema had not yet been developed in its fullness, but it would have been inspired by the form of the tales, spaceships, zeppelin to see "a symbolic phallus" in all of them, since man is increasingly sexually impotent and the proliferation of gays make them see those symbols everywhere.

  A patient of 92 years of clear mind, who told me that she had never suffered a Depression in her life and had been very happy, was with a psychiatrist. The doctor was speechless. Some Syndrome had to sting the old woman. And he told her that she was carrying "Methuselah Syndrome" but she was not going to leave so happy from the office. He prescribed a lot of psychotropic drugs so that the old woman would not leave without a diagnosis and treatment.

  The poor woman wanted to be put to rest because she had lived long enough, she had enjoyed life, her family had already died and she wanted the Lord to take her away, but with a little help. The doctor prescribed some drugs that put her in bed. Thus she died unconscious. This time the doctor had been very insightful.

  I also made my contribution to psychoanalysis or psychiatry when I was practicing in a city in Nicaragua.Inspired by the Judeo-Christian Holy Scriptures, I dared to invent the "Adam and Eve Syndrome".When God made Paradise He saw that it needed a human couple: man and woman He created them.

  But He did not know why He had put a male phallus and a slit among the woman's leg.The two human creatures did not know what they were for either. God for the doubt that those parts of the anatomy were going to give him many problems later He told them:

  -Eat all kinds of fruits from the garden of Eden plus that tree of juicy, bright and large peaches you will not eat because then my fury will pour out on you and the utopia of Paradise will disappear, just as before when there was nothing.

  I do not believe in the legend of the snake gossiping to the couple to eat peach fruits. The truth is that the girl, I say Eva, took a fruit one day - women are always the first in everything, especially in that of sinning - and ate it. She found it delicious and said to the man:

 - Take a bite of the fruit so you can see how good it is. If you like it, I'll make you peach pie.

   "Adam followed Eva's advice and ate the fruit of the forbidden tree.Then, a fever seized them and an unknown impulse spread through the two bodies to the point that those anatomical parts that they did not know what they were for served perfectly, giving them the greatest pleasure of their lives.The Peach tree was left without a single fruit in a few days and even the leaves disappeared

  .God found out. The Archangel Gabriel, who was a tremendous gossip and confidant, told the Almighty that his prohibition had been broken.God came down from his heavenly mansions - the dictators of today  have them with swimming pools and all the luxury that the people do not enjoy.

  And cursed Adam and Eva  lose the Paradise that had cost so much to build - in those days the mortar, beasts and birds had to be imported from all over the world , which had cost an incalculable fortune to the entire celestial court that was immersed in a great spiritual inflation.Total. If those anatomical accidents He had created them to obtain offspring and the human species did not disappear.

   I never knew why He had forbidden them to use them. Was it for the pleasure they brought, something that HE was deprived of?

  A reliable example of this Adam and Eve Syndrome that I discovered was provided by my consulting secretary in Nicaragua. She was a shy girl. Very well arranged and smelling of perfume. One day she asked me to ask something. She said to me with an embarrassed and modest voice, her face flushed and her head bowed:

  -Look Doctor. The problem is that my husband and I want to have a child vehemently but a year and a half ago we are trying and nothing.

  My medical instinct told me that there was something wrong with the couple's sexual relations and I said:

  -Does he use condoms or do you take pills or does man spill his seed out of your womb?- I said tactfully.

  -I do not know, Doctor. If I've never seen it-the virile member-I have not touched it or anything like that. Also, I do not take the pill and I do not know if it uses a condom or not.

  - So you do not feel pleasure?

    -Do not. I feel as if a green banana, long and hard, destroyed my insides every night.

  I was excited but I held back. It's not going to be that if I put a hand on her there would be some Syndrome of those Maniacs and I would go out screaming: "¡The doctor wanted to rape me! or something similar. That's why I did not touch her. Currently, just to talk about sex, even if you are a doctor with your patient, you are accused of sexual abuse or attempted rape. Although in those old years was usual practice sexual relations with patients more daring or between medical and paramedical personnel.

  In recent years, psychiatrists and psychoanalysts have had to modernize with the new generation of pop, young people in music, television, film and other media.

   For example some already know:

  The Jennifer Lopez Syndrome: here is a disorder of how girls feel in relation to their body. They all want to have the butt of the singer and actress. There is a real craze for insufflating silicone or some other material in the buttocks and then go out on the street with tight jeans, or tight chores in order to look a succulent B... Is there already treatment for this?

  Rapper's Syndrome: they are usually American dark-skinned men who have made millions with their raps and dress up strikingly with overcoats of open mink skins, wide-brimmed hats and multiple gold Pierces on the ears and lips. Numerous gems entangle his neck. All young people, especially dark, want to imitate them and since they do not have the millions of dollars, they fall into some kind of depression that needs psychiatric attention.

  WHITNEY SPEARS syndrome: adolescent who achieved stardom with the image of a naughty schoolgirl - incitement to pedophiles - and golden hair. After she had many millions she became rebellious, shaved her hair, became pierced and neglected her two children, to the point that she lost custody of these. Then she fought to recover them.

  Tell me psychiatrists: Does this have treatment that is not pills and pills but psychotherapy that is talking closely with patients with a lot of patience and love, who try to imitate these figures?

  We no longer have to resort to Greek Mythology. Just observe the reality around. The times change.

  Why was our pulse quickening, we were getting red and staring and an erection that broke our pants in our adolescence in front of a full color and semi-nude photo of Marilyn Monroe. What was that Syndrome that we all suffered and that made us feel guilty? We were just normal guys responding to a shock of testosterone as always, in all ages, has happened to humanity.

  Now I hope they do not call me Psychiatrophobic, some reason they have.