HUMOR: CONFESSION TO A PRIEST

HUMOR. CONFESSION TO A PRIEST.

 ORLANDO VICENTE

      A man enters a confeccionary. The Priest in his place feels the presence of the knight.
   - What do you have to confess, my son?
      - Ujuum. Father, the problem is that I throw a lot of gas at any time and anywhere
  . But, son, that's a natural thing. Christ forgives everything.
     Suddenly the man throws a thunderous gas.
    -Go, Father, tha is.
   . The priest says:
      -Excuse son but by the smell I feel that this time you shit.
       - And what do I do now, Father?
     - Go before the Lord and pray 15 Hail Mary and 20 Our Father that the Lord forgives everything, even the bad smells ... and do not worry about the shit that you scatter that the Sacristan deals with.

HUMOR: CONFESIÓN A UN SACERDOTE

HUMOR. CONFESIÓN A UN SACERDOTE

       ORLANDO VICENTE

    Un hombre entra a un confeccionarlo. El Cura en su sitio siente la presencia del caballero.

   - ¿Qué es lo que tienes  que confesar, hijo mío?

   - Ujuum. Padre el problema es que me tiro muchos gases, en cualquier momento y cualquiera lugar.

   Pero, hijo, eso es algo natural. Cristo lo perdona todo.

  De repente el hombre se lanza un gas estruendoso.

   -Ve, Padre, así  es.

   El cura dice:

  -Perdona  hijo pero por el  olor siento que esta vez te cagaste.

  - ¿Y qué hago ahora, Padre?

  - Ve frente al Señor y reza 15 Ave María y 20 Padre Nuestro que el Señor perdona todo, hasta los malos olores… y no te preocupes por la mierda que desparramas que de eso se ocupa el Sacristán.

THE KILLING RENAL LITIASIS- CALCULATION

   

 THE KILLING RENAL LITHIASIS-CALCULATION.

     First it was Hematuria-urine with blood-without pain. I went to the doctor urgently waiting for a fatal diagnosis. There was no pain of any kind or anything like that.
   The emergency ultrasound showed a low kidney stone in the size of a monstrous thing to whom I immediately grabbed sympathy as a child of my own who was developing my own body.
   Computed Axial Tomography showed that the calculus was of the coraliform type, that is, it grew like a coral. I always thought that the human race was an aquatic animal before finally moving to the earth. For that, the long hair served, so that the young would hold on while the mothers swam.
   It was beautiful, very photogenic in all the angles of the TAC as if it were an actress or small actor.
  Well, I made myself an Rx. simple and I went to the Urologist who suggested three alternatives: give me Extracorporeal Lithotripsy which would cause me a lot of pain when expelling the fragments.
As a second choiseI went to the hospital and under general anesthesia, They extracted it from a small wound to the kidney. 
     Or leave things like that while there was no Hematuria or pain.
    I opted for this last behavior. I had already grown fond of calculation and loved him.
  This is why in Cuba, while I was in my car on the outskirts of Guantánamo, I saw in a paddock many cows and horses grazing and when I got closer I saw that they were people eating grass, of the hunger they had. I also dedicated myself to eating the grass and with it the multiple pebbles that I later took home for my wife to boil with tomatoes. They were hard but in the absence of meat mitigated hunger.
  Several children were killed for entering state farms and stealing guavas, bananas and other fruits that belonged to the PCC or were for export.
   When I die I will tell  in my will that they throw me to Mansa Beach in Punta Del Este. So the coralliform calculus leaves my body and becomes a killer and monstrous that devours bathers - who are Argentines please - without leaving any traces. Attention to the librettists of series and films, there goes a good argument to them.

   Meanwhile, I continue with my little pig behind me, leaning like an old man to see how the urine comes out.


DR ORLANDO VICENTE ALVAREZ
UROLOGY
CUBAN URUGUAYAN
GENIUS

MI AMADO CALCULITO RENAL.HUMOR.. Ya le había cogido cariño al cálculo y lo amaba. Esto es porqué en Cuba, mientras andaba en mi auto por las afueras de Guantánamo, veía en un potrero muchas vacas y caballos pastar y al acercarme veía que eran personas comiendo pasto, del hambre que tenían. Yo también me dediqué a comer el pasto y con ello las múltiples piedrecitas que después llevaba a casa para que mi esposa las hirviera con tomate. Eran duras pero a falta de carne mitigaban el hambre. A varios chicos los mataron por entrar a granjas estatales y robar guayabas, bananas y otras frutas que pertenecían al PCC o eran para exportar. Cuando me muera les diré en mi testamento que me lancen a la Playa Mansa de Punta Del Este. Así el cálculo coraliforme sale de mi cuerpo y se convierte en uno asesino y monstruoso que devora a los bañistas – que sean argentinos por favor- sin dejar huellas. Atención a los libretistas de series y películas, ahí les va un buen argumento. Mientras tanto yo sigo con mi calculito a cuestas inclinándome como un anciano para ver cómo sale la orina. DR ORLANDO VICENTE ALVAREZ CUBANO URUGUAYO,GENIO -----------------------------------.

     

foto de yusnaby perez

. Ya le había cogido cariño al cálculo y lo amaba.

  Esto es porqué en Cuba, mientras andaba en mi auto por las afueras de Guantánamo, veía en un potrero muchas vacas y caballos pastar y al  acercarme veía que eran personas comiendo pasto, del  hambre  que tenían. Yo también me dediqué a comer el pasto y con ello las múltiples piedrecitas que después llevaba a casa para que mi  esposa las hirviera con tomate. Eran duras pero a falta de carne mitigaban el hambre.

  A varios chicos los mataron por entrar a granjas estatales y robar guayabas, bananas y otras frutas que pertenecían al PCC o eran para  exportar.

   Cuando me muera les diré en mi testamento que me lancen a la Playa Mansa de Punta Del Este. Así  el cálculo coraliforme sale de mi cuerpo y se convierte en uno asesino y monstruoso que devora a los bañistas – que sean argentinos por favor- sin dejar huellas. Atención a los libretistas de series y películas, ahí les va un buen  argumento.

   Mientras tanto yo sigo con mi calculito a cuestas inclinándome como un anciano para ver cómo sale la orina.   

DR ORLANDO VICENTE ALVAREZ
CUBANO URUGUAYO,GENIO-----------------------------------

LA LITIASIS RENAL ASESINA-CALCULO.

     Primero fue la Hematuria-orina con sangre-sin dolor. Fui al médico urgente esperando un diagnóstico fatal. No existía dolor  de ningún tipo ni nada parecido.

   La Ecografía de urgencia mostró una litiasis baja en el riñón derecho  del tamaño de una cosa monstruosa a quien le agarré simpatía enseguida como a un hijo propio que estaba gestando mi propio cuerpo.

   La Tomografía Axial Computarizada mostró que el cálculo era de tipo coraliforme o sea que crecía como un coral. Yo siempre pensé que el género humano era un animal acuático antes de pasar definitivamente a la  tierra. Para eso  servia el pelo largo, para que las crías se  sujetaran mientras  las madres nadaban.

   Era  bella, muy fotogénica en todos  los ángulos de la TAC como si de una actriz o actor pequeño  se tratara

  Pues me hice un Rx. simple y fui con el Urólogo que me  planteó tres alternativas: darme Litotricia Extracorpórea lo que me produciría mucho dolor  al expulsar los fragmentos. Ingresarme en el Hospital y con anestesia general  extraérmelo por una pequeña herida hasta el riñón. O dejar las cosas así mientras no hubiera Hematuria ni dolor.

  Yo opté por esta última conducta. Ya le había cogido cariño al cálculo y lo amaba.

  Esto es porqué en Cuba, mientras andaba en mi auto por las afueras de Guantánamo, veía en un potrero muchas vacas y caballos pastar y al  acercarme veía que eran personas comiendo pasto, del  hambre  que tenían. Yo también me dediqué a comer el pasto y con ello las múltiples piedrecitas que después llevaba a casa para que mi  esposa las hirviera con tomate. Eran duras pero a falta de carne mitigaban el hambre.

  A varios chicos los mataron por entrar a granjas estatales y robar guayabas, bananas y otras frutas que pertenecían al PCC o eran para  exportar.

   Cuando me muera les diré en mi testamento que me lancen a la Playa Mansa de Punta Del Este. Así  el cálculo coraliforme sale de mi cuerpo y se convierte en uno asesino y monstruoso que devora a los bañistas – que sean argentinos por favor- sin dejar huellas. Atención a los libretistas de series y películas, ahí les va un buen  argumento.

   Mientras tanto yo sigo con mi calculito a cuestas inclinándome como un anciano para ver cómo sale la orina.   

DR ORLANDO VICENTE ALVAREZ
CUBANO URUGUAYO,GENIO -----------------------------------
mas en 
https://www.amazon.es/Libros-Orlando-Alvarez/s?ie=UTF8&page=1&rh=n%3A599364031%2Cp_27%3AOrlando%20Alvarez

BIRD TALES: PEPE THE PARROT

BIRD TALES: PEPE THE PAROT


   - Eat Pepe, eat, go, put the corn in the crop!
  My grandmother Luisa shouted at a plucked animal, with a disproportionate head, a long neck and open legs as if It had polio.
   It was a parrot pigeon that my brother had found in his nest on the bank of the river Guaso.
   Grandmother would stuff him with her own lips ground corn and sips of water that the bird sipped or pecked slowly.
   This is how the parrots or parakeets are raised when they are in their pigeon stage. Ugly and with only a thin white skin covered with little down, it looked like a creature from another planet.
   Then Grandma would lock him in a wire cage near the coals in the kitchen and wrap him in a cloth so he would think it was his mother who was snuggling him up.
   I do not know why all the parrots or parrots call them Pepe, is that they are descendants of the same genre, I thought.
  The budgie was growing thanks to the ground corn that was provided by my grandmother and later pieces of fruit that she broke down in his beak with his own hands.
  On Sundays we went to see granma and to bathe in the river Guaso.
   "Grandma, how's Pepe?" We shouted as we put on the Chores to bathe.
   - Look at it right there, growing and the feathers are already coming out.
    Pepe was fowling with nice green and blue colors and he was staring at us.
   -Grandmother! Grandmother! - repeated the parakeet in his first words in Spanish. I thought I would speak in another language someday.
   -Louise! Bread! Bread!
  And my poor grandmother ran to give him a piece of bread because if she did not purr and purr the name of Grandmother until he received his ration.
 Everything was going well until my cousin Cucho came down from the mountains and stayed for a few days at her grandmother's house. He took Pepe to the backyard and there he seems to teach him a new language by bribing him with pieces of cookies.
  From then on, when grandmother received visitors, Pepe would sit still for a moment until he could identify the visitor's sex:
   -Bitch! Bitch! Give me gallleeeeta.
  And if it was a man, he would squawk:
   -Fagot! Fagot!
  Embarrassing grandmother Luisa quickly. This decided to get rid of the bird that was almost adult and released it among the trees that surrounded the River Guaso.
    But in the mornings a claw-like sound in the window announced the presence of Pepe the parakeet:
    -Luisa, whore, bread for the parrot! Bread for the parrot!
    And so I got what I was looking for. My patient grandmother said that it would pass until the time of heat arrived.
   And so it happened. One day Pepe was no more. Maybe he emigrated to friendlier areas or found his better half. We did not know if it was male or female.
DR ORLANDO VICENTE ALVAREZ
CUBAN URUGUAYAN
GENIUS

PEPE EL PERICO O COTORRA EN GUANTANAMO

        

CUENTOS DE AVES: PEPE EL PERICO

   - ¡Come Pepe, come, anda, mete el maíz en el buche!

  Gritaba mi abuela Luisa a un bicho desplumado, con una cabeza desproporcionada, un cuello largo y patas abiertas como si tuviera poliomielitis.

   Era un pichón de perico que mi hermano había encontrado en su nido a la orilla del rio Guaso.

   Abuela le embutía con sus propios labios maíz molido y sorbos de agua que el ave sorbía o picoteaba lentamente.

   Así se  crían las cotorras o periquitos cuando están en su etapa de pichones. Feos y con  solo una fina piel blanca cubierta de poco plumón, parecia una criatura de otro planeta.

   Luego abuela lo encerraba en una jaula de alambres cerca de las brasas de la cocina y lo envolvía en un paño para que pensara era su madre que lo  acurrucaba.

   No sé por qué todos los pericos o cotorritas les llaman Pepe, es que son descendiente del mismo género- pensaba yo.

  El periquito fue creciendo gracias al maíz molido que le proporcionaba abuela y más tarde pedacitos de frutas que desbarataba en su pico con sus propias manos.

  Los domingos íbamos a ver a Abuela y a bañarnos en el rio Guaso.

   -Abuela, ¿Cómo está Pepe?-le gritábamos mientras nos poníamos los Chores para bañarnos.

   - Mírenlo ahí mismo, creciendo y ya le están saliendo las plumas.

    Pepe estaba emplumando con lindos  colores  verdes y azules y se nos quedaba mirando fijamente.

   -¡Abuela! ¡Abuela!- repetía el perico ya en sus primeras palabras en español. Yo pensaba que hablaría en otro idioma algún día.

   -¡Luisa! ¡Pan! ¡Pan!

  Y mi pobre abuela corría a darle un pedazo de pan porque si no ronroneaba y ronroneaba el nombre de Abuela hasta que no recibiera su ración.

 Todo marchaba bien hasta  que mi primo Cucho bajó de las montañas y pernoctó por unos días en casa de abuela. Se llevaba a Pepe al patio trasero y allí parece que le enseño un lenguaje nuevo a fuerza de sobornarlo con pedazos de galletas.

  A partir de entonces cuando abuela recibía visitas Pepe se quedaba quieto un instante hasta identificar el sexo del visitante:

   -¡Puta! ¡Puta! Dame gallleeeeta.

  Y si era un hombre graznaba:

   -¡Maricón! ¡Maricón!

  Avergonzando a abuela Luisa rápidamente. Esta decidio desprenderse del ave que ya era  casi adulta y la liberó entre los árboles que circundaban el Rio Guaso.

    Pero por las mañanas un sonido  de garras en la ventana anunciaba la presencia de Pepe el perico:

    -¡Luisa, puta, pan pa la cotorrita! ¡Pan para la cotorrita!

    Y así obtenía lo que buscaba. Mi abuela paciente decía que se le pasaría hasta que le llegara la época de celo.

   Y así mismo ocurrió. Un día Pepe no fue más. Quizás emigró a zonas más amigables o encontró su media naranja. No supimos si era macho o hembra. 


DR ORLANDO VICENTE ALVAREZ
CUBANO URUGUAYO
GENIO

THE DOG DOBERMAN KID

THE DOG DOBERMAN KID

   Having revalidated my medical degree here in Uruguay after coming from Cuba. I got a job in a private clinic, which had installed an Argentine, on the treatment of pain.
   It was a neighborhood of wealthy people. The treatment was expensive and in dollars and I earned well. A woman of about fifty-year-old patient who attended our clinic was enthusiastic about me. I found out that she owned an estate agent and therefore sold apartments and houses.
     When I gave her details of my precarious situation, I lived in a small room in the center of Montevideo. She proposed to rent me a large house that was two blocks from the Legislative Palace.
   The mansion was old and it was difficult to sell it. It had been first a refuge for nuns and then a school to teach ballet to the girls.
   She offered it to me for a small fee and I settled there.
  The hall was of pure white marble and the living room was polished wood. It had like 6 rooms and one of crystals between two neglected gardens. Two bathrooms.
    Everything was going well in my new residence until the son of the Lady who had a Doberman dog brought him to live with me because the girlfriend could not stand it. The dog had become accustomed to the owner since puppy and was only happy when the boy came to see him and the girlfriend was locked in the car, because he was terrified.
    I locked him in the back of the house, behind a glazed oak door and had to endure his barking all night because he never took my love. He loved only his owner who later stopped coming because he went to Europe to work.
   The Kid was unbearable. To put food on it, I had to open the door a little and throw the food pills, taking care that it would not come out and bite me.
   Once, a health worker was doing work in the bathroom and I do not know how the Kid opened the door and bit his leg through his pants and bled. I had to pay him back so he would not report me.
   The Kid scraping the door with his teeth and nails was opening a hole little by little until he could get out of his shelter silently. When I came home from work I found the mattresses frayed because he had constant anger, for lack of its owner. He also grabbed in the living roon with the antique furniture, style, and gnawed them as if they were soft wood.
   Another day a young man who arranged the garden for me, the Kid entered silently and bit his cheek. The boy did not panic but put a cloth on the wound. I saw that later there would be extra money.
   The bottom door was finally destroyed and I left the Kid do what he wanted, impossible, was a dog of strong character, I think schizophrenic, if this diagnosis can be given to a dog.
  It happened like a year. I suffered the madness of the Kid but he continued with his misdeeds and never loved me, only his owner whom he would not see anymore, nor even ask for his dog when he wrote to me from Europe. I had forgotten or it was on purpose.
    One morning I did not hear the Kid bark. I went to see him and he was dead. The best of so much rage had given him a heart attack because this race is prone to this condition.
  I felt the not having won the dog's affection. And death was accelerated by the anger of being abandoned by its owner.
  Moral: Never buy a Doberman if you're not going to raise him from puppy and give him love for yourself.


DR ORLANDO VICENTE ALVAREZ
CUBAN URUGUAYAN
GENIUS